The Sarcastic Salarian (Emon Spiza)

Spiza contemplates his actions. Image by Armax_Hammer.

Emon Spiza
Date of Birth
Bartender and cosmic chew toy (formberly VI Engineer, relief worker, secretary)
Confidential Occupation
STG Agent
Marital Status
Single, 1 Child (Female, presumably deceased)
Emon Isselle II, Emon Rupo, Licia (presumed deceased), Harrad Illum, The Life Egregious Cast, Clint van Wallach, Sirinic Scaramanji, , Lokkor, The Dynasty Maker S2 Contestant Cast
Aphin Protretho, Mekan of Omega, STG
Character Status

This is for the second character to take the mantle of "The_Sarcastic_Salarian." For the previous holder, see Aphin Protretho.

Citadel Ward Kithoi Edroki Emon Spiza, usually referred to by his last two names or his handle Delicious Chew Toy, is a bitter, thoroughly sarcastic salarian currently living in the Citadel’s Kithoi Ward. Originally a classically-trained VI engineer, a series of incidents has run him through a gauntlet of occupations over the years, eventually resulting in his absorption into the Salarian Special Tasks Group. By day, he serves drinks as bartender and gatekeeper for Aphin’s Place. By night, he works as an analyst for, and does field work for, the STG.

Physical Description

Spiza is not the Adonis of his species. Topping out at a meager five foot four, he’s short by human standards, let alone salarians. Tinged with dark blue skin and gray eyes, the right side of Spiza’s face is considerably more wrinkled than the left, the result of a permanent facial tic brought on by the same incident that bought him three years’ worth of indentured service on Illium.


Spiza with his ill-fated future offspring.

Spiza is fairly lithe and well-toned; ask him about it, and you’ll hear him mutter about liking being in shape after Dynasty Maker; in reality, however, it’s part of a strict STG regimen to keep him in fighting condition.

As can be expected of most dedicated VI engineers, Spiza has “gone gloveless.”


"Let’s see, my best friend was STG, I worked for someone who got arrested for throwing *pancakes*, I’ve had my luggage mixed up with a Blood Pack mercenary’s, I had my apartment broken into, ransacked and flooded with maternity clothing, and, uh, let’s see... Ah. I have definitive proof that the quarian playing Elvis on The Life Egregious is merely playing himself. Oh, and I’m this year’s Dynasty Maker.”

Emon Spiza has lived a hard life filled with irony. A son of a clan with Luddite tendencies, he became a tech specialist. Coming to Illium for a six-figure job, he was trapped in its indentured service bureau for years. A weedy, bookish alien, he finds himself fighting YMIR mechs, krogan, and STG investigators, all the way up to Cerberus Commandos and Reaper husks on a regular basis. An outspoken jerk, he is one of perhaps two members of the entirety of CDN to hide his membership in at two clandestine agencies and at least three top-secret projects.

He is a renaissance man – a reader, a writer, a critic, a technician, a holo-star, a warrior, a musician and a secret agent – and he is thoroughly miserable because of it. He has never been anything but someone else’s pawn, whether by corporate masters, crazed raloi, eldritch abominations, corrupt HV executives, by the STG…or by his family. He lives eternally in Aphin Protretho's shadow. He knows no rest – even during the Final Battle for Earth, he found himself drafted into the STG itself – and now, years later, he still struggles to make ends meet.

Spizasaphin copy

Spiza's normal temperament.


Spiza’s attitude has changed wildly over his tenure at Cerberus Daily News. Once a simple, terse-talking engineer, he has truly earned the moniker of “The Sarcastic Salarian.” Always irritable and caustic, he’s the first to mock the latest Hamfisted Villain Or Moral Conundrum of the Week, and oftentimes cannot understand how people will mindlessly ignore half the debate. Spiza is also a staunch Unionist – and while he will happily agree that Linron needs to release her hold on power, he will also mercilessly mock anyone who thinks that completely curing the Genophage was a good idea, and considers the Salarian Democratic Union to be a pack of lunatics.

Spiza is, however, incredibly bitter about his role as everyone else’s lapdog. Having lost several of his friends over the past years (including his the co-owner of Aphin’s Place and his own daughter), he is a brittle, shut-in alcoholic who wears his grief like an albatross around his neck. This is often manifest through him either hearing the voice of someone narrating his misadventures, or (more recently), experiencing hallucinations of the late Jak’Gathi Nar Thundercats. Thus, while he gleefully dances circles around self-entitled asshats and occasionally does something badass for the Union, he remains one extraordinarily bad day from completely losing his mind.

Seated with his past life’s skill set, Spiza is a minor tech wizard when it comes to combat programming; he specializes in usurping cyberdefenses for himself. He uses the Cipher line of omnitools as a personal preference, finding Serrice cyberware to be bloated and overdeveloped. He is also an amateur botanist and an avid fan of Wet Skin, and can play a fairly mean guitar solo (if given a week or three to practice).

Perspectives on Aliens

Note that this was a stressful time in Spiza's life; yes, even by his standards.

  • Asari: irritating
  • Batarian: irritable
  • Drell: either humorless or deliberately misunderstanding
  • Elcor: plodding
  • Geth: impartial
  • Krogan: deliberately obtuse
  • Quarian: fairly good conversationalists when they aren’t whining
  • Reaper: no comment
  • Raloi: where?
  • Salarian: A wide variety of personalities that run the gamut from saintllike to reincarnations of Shrell, that often have very nuanced worldviews and who may express them with a rhetoric that ranges from intelligent to idiotic.
  • Turian: very patient
  • Human: pompous and/or entitled
  • Volus: bookish
  • Vorcha: TEETH
  • Yahg: what


Some tales of childhood: here, here and here.

Tech Support: A day in the life of Spiza when we first meet him.

Hangovers In High Places: Crazed raloi Grackel offers Spiza a job.

Who Goes There?:

  • Giving Blood: Spiza performs a good deed that will come back to haunt him, donating blood to the GWO via a cheerful Lokkor.

Look, Has Anyone Seen My Boss?: A recovered Spiza wants to know where Grackel is.

Garden Penthouse: Introducing Spiza's mother.

Coffee? Tea? Raloi?: Mother problems continue. The Narrator makes a deal.

What The Shrell Is This?: Spiza discovers something odd in his closet. (It's his costume from the GWO ball)

Intervention: There's only so much that people can take in their lives before they finally snap. Having accidentally drawn Suri'Neyvi's attention on the forums and certain that he's going to be either forced into the Embodiment or killed, Spiza withdraws from the forums and hides from the which point it's up to Harrad and Grackel to try and restore some modicum of sanity to the guy.

One Last Round: Spiza comes to the alarming conclusion that nothing horrifying has happened to him in the last two weeks – so he decides to discuss his worries with the (recently retired) Aphin, who has recently opened a bar on Zakera. It’s a serious thread... except for the fact that events in the end lead into this... and this.

A Conspicuous Absence of Rising Tension: Without anywhere to stay, Spiza is at Harrad's place.

Pretty Nice Apartment: Spiza moves into his new apartment.

Dynasty Maker (Story Arc):

  • Where Code Toads Fear to Tread: Spiza is coerced by his mother into entering negotiations with a female possibly more psychotic than he is (and thus opening negotiations for two of the major families on Eredae, Mannovai).
  • Message to Grackel: Spiza accidentally announces to the CDN Boards his intent to audition for the second Dynasty Maker.
  • It appears as though nothing will be the same as it was last season for the Dynasty Maker Contestants, for they've been unceremoniously dropped in the middle of an STG boot camp.
  • Just as the title suggests, welcome to the first two weeks of Dynasty Maker Training. Drill Sergeants will shout. Latrines will be cleaned. And there will be faldabis.
  • You Will Be a Minister of Death, Praying for War Our ragtag bunch of salarians are introduced to their first challenge: A five-kilometer obstacle course, with a ship at the end that takes them to their next destination - a ship, unfortunately, that can only hold ten people. Can Spiza reach the end in time?
  • The Dynasty Maker Crew come back to the Citadel to prove that STG training isn't just about the physical but also the mental ordeals. As such, it seems like Spiza may finally have caught a break when the next challenge seems to be right up his alley.
  • Enhanced Interrogation: After a breather of an episode, things suddenly take a turn for the horrifying as the the Dynasty Maker Cast discover the next challenge: withstanding cold-blooded torture].
  • After the ordeal of the last episode, the contestants finally get a little R&R...only for the FINAL CHALLENGE to be sprung upon them.
  • Spiza sends out a cry for help in the disguise of a pointless Get To Know You thread, solicits advice on staying incognito in the Galactic Hub, and ends up in the company of a decidedly...happy kid.
  • Returned: He's back from Dynasty Maker.

Permafrost: Aphin catches up with Spiza, now that both the Qoroq issue and Dynasty Maker season 2 are concluded.

So apparently lawyers are useless, now: And... Aphin is gone.

How We Do Things Here: Involves Spiza and Martello making a not-memorial to Aphin. Elvis also shows up to generally ruin things.

Obligatory "Expecting" Thread: Spiza gushes about his daughter.

Better Than EGGspected: Spiza's a father now, so that means... party time! Jeral, Harrad, Martello, Grackel, and others surprise our lucky salarian.

The Interview: The Occulus Organization comes recruiting.

Aphin, What The Shrell Did You Do?

!!!!: Spiza has to rush off... because his daughter is hatching! Salarians who watched Dynasty Maker appear to be celebrating too, galaxy-wide.


We Need Hackzors!: Jeral invites Spiza, Mekan and Terrorbyte into a secure chatroom. He's having EI problems...

Reaper War

So, What Do We Do?: An uncharacteristically depressed Jeral visits Spiza, to talk about Occulus business. Spiza isn't in a good way.

A Very *Private* Private Message: Spiza has some venting to do about CDN.

Message Draft: Bad news about his daughter.

Well, It's About Damn Time: Spiza and Aphin face the Cerberus Coup.

Bar's Closed: With one of his brother's dead, Spiza isn't in a talkative mood.

Sideshow: Spiza is the host as Project Farmhand is announced.

Good News, Bad News: Aphin's Place was a casualty of the Cerberus attack... but, CDN, we can rebuild it! CDN is invited to decide a new theme for the bar.

We've Been Closed Long Enough: Rebuilding at Aphin's Place.

Like You Didn't Expect This To Happen: The Reapers arrive at the Citadel.


Whose Terrible Idea Was This?!: Spiza discovers that CDN survived the relay blackout.

Well, That Could Have Gone Better: A hair-raising incident as paranoid humans continue to protest the salarian presence.

Consequences: Spiza is placed on temporary leave.

Uncle Spiza's Cabin: An unpleasant surprise for Spiza, as his young nephew arrives on the Citadel.

This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Spiza asserts his authority.

The Best Drinks Are The Ones You Don't Remember: Spiza travels to Omega in a box for a showdown of sorts with Silel.


  • I'm Alive: Spiza reports in and acknowledges that he was at Entish.


Frog And Flyboy: The Happening: Apparently dying, Harrad wants to patch things up with Spiza.

Cards at '86: A card game at the Silversun Strip, for a group of CDN regulars.

Cracking Up, Breaking Down: Spiza's drunken regrets, as Mekan witnesses.

Bottle #2: Drachentöter: Aftermath of the breakdown, with Mekan.

Hello Darkness: Business with Cerastes.

Down To Business: A mission to the Caleston Rift sees the outbreak of war.

Debrief Redux: The aftermath of the Caleston affair for the STG.

Getting Old: He's greying around the temples. Are we surprised?

Swan Songs: Rupo returns to reconnect with his uncle.. who at first doesn't recognise him.

Quicksilver Palace: A trip on a relaxing (*cough*) cruise ship.

It's Orange: Spiza vomits into his toilet, and informs CDN. Yes, he's having a bad time.

Sports Metaphors and Subterfuge: Spiza receives a visit from Aphin's nephew.

Oops: Rupo accidentally discovers the back room at Aphin's Place.

Two Aliens Walk Into A Bar: With Cerastes on Omega. Three aliens, actually, as Kirok joins them.

Jokes: Spiza gives a little analogy that reveals his private thoughts on human political ascendancy and the state of the galaxy.

Key Witless: A long and interesting adventure with Urdnot Wraze.

Dulce Et Decorum Est arc:

  • Medevac: Spiza is in hospital and things only go downhill from there.
  • Eye of the Tiger: The aftermath, with Mekan. Will Spiza be on Illium for a while?
  • Indiscriminate Carthasis: Hobo squad strikes at the drone and weapons manufacturer Hahne-Kedar on Illium. Greater forces than they know are in the background. Leading into...
  • Exposé: A follow-up mission with Mekan and company.

Extranet History: What is Spiza up to online?

We Need To Talk: Spiza contacts hobo-squad -- his superiors are growing concerned that Mekan represents an unacceptable risk. Can the batarian's companions offer some reassurance, or do something about Mekan's behaviour?

Late Rites: Jeral visits Aphin's Place for the first time in a while, and catches up with Spiza.

I Am A Snake: Spiza declines the friendship of Tayunji after she thanks him for his sensitivity... because, he tells her, he is not the sort of person who can be trusted as a friend.

Decryption: With Tay again. Has Spiza made a friend? Can he make a friend?

Wake Up And Smell The Ashes: Mekan is back -- so it's time for a confrontation with "Kawk".

Humans, You Have A Lot To Answer For: First on the (naughty) list -- Christmas movies.

Nip It In The Bud They Say: The team goes "gardening".