This is for the second character to take the mantle of "The_Sarcastic_Salarian." For the previous holder, see Aphin Protretho.
Citadel Ward Kithoi Edroki Emon Spiza, usually referred to by his last two names or his handle Delicious Chew Toy, is a bitter, thoroughly sarcastic salarian that lives in the Citadel’s Kithoi Ward. As a classically-trained VI engineer, Spiza has endured a gauntlet of occupations over the years, a process that eventually resulted in field recruitment by Salarian Special Tasks in the late stages of the Reaper War.
By day, Spiza serves drinks as bartender and gatekeeper for Aphin’s Place. By night, he works as a threat analyst and does occasional field work for the STG.
At a meager 5'4", Emon Spiza is short even by human standards. Boasting dark blue skin and gray eyes, the right side of Spiza’s face is a wrinkled mess, the result of a permanent facial tic he has endured since his indentured-service stint on Illium. His elder years have tinged his temples a muddy silver, and a permanent scowl has settled into his features - one which only lifts in the company of genuine friends.
Despite his advanced age, Spiza is lithe and well-toned. Publicly, he will claim he it's simply a perk he's enjoyed since his stint on Dynasty Maker. In reality, it’s the result of an STG regimen to remain in fighting condition.
"Let’s see, my best friend was STG, I worked for someone who got arrested for throwing *pancakes*, I’ve had my luggage mixed up with a Blood Pack mercenary’s, I had my apartment broken into, ransacked and flooded with maternity clothing, and, uh, let’s see... Ah. I have definitive proof that the quarian playing Elvis on The Life Egregious is merely playing himself. Oh, and I’m this year’s Dynasty Maker.”
Emon Spiza's life is steeped in irony. Spiza became a tech specialist early in life despite his membership in a clan with Luddite tendencies. A teenage prodigy, arriving on Illium for a six-figure job, he was instead trapped in its Indentured Service Bureau for years. A weedy, bookish alien, he fought YMIR mechs, krogan, STG investigators, Cerberus Commandos and Reaper husks, all being dispatched long before his recruitment by Special Tasks. And despite his loudmouthed, asshole tendencies on the Cerberus Daily News boards, he is one of its only members who has managed to keep his side hustle a secret: only a handful of CDN members are even aware that he holds membership in at least two clandestine agencies.
Spiza is a reader, a writer, a critic, a technician, a holo-star, a warrior, a musician and a secret agent. He is also thoroughly miserable. He sees himself as nothing more than a pawn for corporate masters, crazed raloi, eldritch abominations, corrupt HV executives, the STG, and his clan. He lives eternally in Aphin Protretho's shadow, to the point of managing his late friend's shadow, and knows no rest: even now, a ten-year veteran for Special Tasks itself, he still struggles to make ends meet.
Once a simple, terse-talking engineer, Spiza earned his master's title of “The Sarcastic Salarian” through sheer mulish determination. He is always irritable, caustic, and first to mock the latest Hamfisted Villain Or Moral Conundrum of the Week. While almost always willing to engage opponents in rhetorical debate, Spiza often cannot understand how people are deaf to his critique, frequently ignoring how his own insulting rhetoric can inflame tensions and make opponents deaf to his reasoning.
Spiza is a staunch Unionist. While happily agreeing that Linron's maneuvering has effectively nuked non-salarian goodwill, he will also mercilessly mock anyone who thinks that completely curing the Genophage without another means of population control was a good idea. He also considers the Salarian Democratic Union to be a pack of lunatics.
Spiza is bitter about his role as everyone else’s lapdog. Having lost several of his friends over the past years (including the co-owner of Aphin’s Place, his best friend, and his own daughter), he is a brittle, shut-in alcoholic who wears his grief like an albatross around his neck. He remains one extraordinarily bad day from losing his mind.
Spiza is a minor tech wizard when it comes to combat programming. He specializes in usurping cyber-defense for his own purposes. He uses the Cipher line of omnitools as a personal preference, finding Serrice cyberware to be bloated and overdeveloped. He is also an amateur botanist and an avid fan of Wet Skin, and can play a fairly mean guitar solo (if given a week or three to practice).
Tech Support: A day in the life of Spiza when we first meet him.
- Giving Blood: Spiza performs a good deed that will come back to haunt him, donating blood to the GWO via a cheerful Lokkor.
Look, Has Anyone Seen My Boss?: A recovered Spiza wants to know where Grackel is.
Garden Penthouse: Introducing Spiza's mother.
Coffee? Tea? Raloi?: Mother problems continue. The Narrator makes a deal.
What The Shrell Is This?: Spiza discovers something odd in his closet. (It's his costume from the GWO ball)
Intervention: There's only so much that people can take in their lives before they finally snap. Having accidentally drawn Suri'Neyvi's attention on the forums and certain that he's going to be either forced into the Embodiment or killed, Spiza withdraws from the forums and hides from the world...at which point it's up to Harrad and Grackel to try and restore some modicum of sanity to the guy.
One Last Round: Spiza comes to the alarming conclusion that nothing horrifying has happened to him in the last two weeks – so he decides to discuss his worries with the (recently retired) Aphin, who has recently opened a bar on Zakera. It’s a serious thread... except for the fact that events in the end lead into this... and this.
A Conspicuous Absence of Rising Tension: Without anywhere to stay, Spiza is at Harrad's place.
Pretty Nice Apartment: Spiza moves into his new apartment.
- Where Code Toads Fear to Tread: Spiza is coerced by his mother into entering negotiations with a female possibly more psychotic than he is (and thus opening negotiations for two of the major families on Eredae, Mannovai).
- Message to Grackel: Spiza accidentally announces to the CDN Boards his intent to audition for the second Dynasty Maker.
- Frog and Frog: THEY DRINK: Spiza seeks Aphin's advice.
- It appears as though nothing will be the same as it was last season for the Dynasty Maker Contestants, for they've been unceremoniously dropped in the middle of an STG boot camp.
- Just as the title suggests, welcome to the first two weeks of Dynasty Maker Training. Drill Sergeants will shout. Latrines will be cleaned. And there will be faldabis.
- You Will Be a Minister of Death, Praying for War Our ragtag bunch of salarians are introduced to their first challenge: A five-kilometer obstacle course, with a ship at the end that takes them to their next destination - a ship, unfortunately, that can only hold ten people. Can Spiza reach the end in time?
- Inventive Ways To Shut People Up: Stuck with Elvis, Spiza is in dire need of these.
- The Dynasty Maker Crew come back to the Citadel to prove that STG training isn't just about the physical but also the mental ordeals. As such, it seems like Spiza may finally have caught a break when the next challenge seems to be right up his alley.
- Enhanced Interrogation: After a breather of an episode, things suddenly take a turn for the horrifying as the the Dynasty Maker Cast discover the next challenge: withstanding cold-blooded torture].
- After the ordeal of the last episode, the contestants finally get a little R&R...only for the FINAL CHALLENGE to be sprung upon them.
- Spiza sends out a cry for help in the disguise of a pointless Get To Know You thread, solicits advice on staying incognito in the Galactic Hub, and ends up in the company of a decidedly...happy kid.
- Worriedly: So does anyone know why they cancelled CitaFest: A headache of a different sort, as Lokkor gets into Aphin's Place.
- Returned: He's back from Dynasty Maker.
Permafrost: Aphin catches up with Spiza, now that both the Qoroq issue and Dynasty Maker season 2 are concluded.
So apparently lawyers are useless, now: And... Aphin is gone.
How We Do Things Here: Involves Spiza and Martello making a not-memorial to Aphin. Elvis also shows up to generally ruin things.
Obligatory "Expecting" Thread: Spiza gushes about his daughter.
Better Than EGGspected: Spiza's a father now, so that means... party time! Jeral, Harrad, Martello, Grackel, and others surprise our lucky salarian.
The Interview: The Occulus Organization comes recruiting.
!!!!: Spiza has to rush off... because his daughter is hatching! Salarians who watched Dynasty Maker appear to be celebrating too, galaxy-wide.
Query: HEY, EVERYONE! SPIZA HAS BEEN TALKING WITH THE OCCULUS EI! Oh, is that a secret?
We Need Hackzors!: Jeral invites Spiza, Mekan and Terrorbyte into a secure chatroom. He's having EI problems...
So, What Do We Do?: An uncharacteristically depressed Jeral visits Spiza, to talk about Occulus business. Spiza isn't in a good way.
Exodust: In a vary out-of-character moment for him, Spiza goes into Big Damn Heroes Mode to save a friend.
A Very *Private* Private Message: Spiza has some venting to do about CDN.
Message Draft: Bad news about his daughter.
Well, It's About Damn Time: Spiza and Aphin face the Cerberus Coup.
Bar's Closed: With one of his brother's dead, Spiza isn't in a talkative mood.
Good News, Bad News: Aphin's Place was a casualty of the Cerberus attack... but, CDN, we can rebuild it! CDN is invited to decide a new theme for the bar.
We've Been Closed Long Enough: Rebuilding at Aphin's Place.
Like You Didn't Expect This To Happen: The Reapers arrive at the Citadel.
Whose Terrible Idea Was This?!: Spiza discovers that CDN survived the relay blackout.
Well, That Could Have Gone Better: A hair-raising incident as paranoid humans continue to protest the salarian presence.
Consequences: Spiza is placed on temporary leave.
Uncle Spiza's Cabin: An unpleasant surprise for Spiza, as his young nephew arrives on the Citadel.
This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Spiza asserts his authority.
- I'm Alive: Spiza reports in and acknowledges that he was at Entish.
Frog And Flyboy: The Happening: Apparently dying, Harrad wants to patch things up with Spiza.
Cards at '86: A card game at the Silversun Strip, for a group of CDN regulars.
Cracking Up, Breaking Down: Spiza's drunken regrets, as Mekan witnesses.
Bottle #2: Drachentöter: Aftermath of the breakdown, with Mekan.
Hello Darkness: Business with Cerastes.
Debrief Redux: The aftermath of the Caleston affair for the STG.
Getting Old: He's greying around the temples. Are we surprised?
Swan Songs: Rupo returns to reconnect with his uncle.. who at first doesn't recognise him.
Quicksilver Palace: A trip on a relaxing (*cough*) cruise ship.
It's Orange: Spiza vomits into his toilet, and informs CDN. Yes, he's having a bad time.
Oops: Rupo accidentally discovers the back room at Aphin's Place.
Two Aliens Walk Into A Bar: With Cerastes on Omega. Three aliens, actually, as Kirok joins them.
Jokes: Spiza gives a little analogy that reveals his private thoughts on human political ascendancy and the state of the galaxy.
Dulce Et Decorum Est arc:
- Adventures In Medication: A mission goes wrong... and CDN are there to see it (sort of...)
- Medevac: Spiza is in hospital and things only go downhill from there.
- Eye of the Tiger: The aftermath, with Mekan. Will Spiza be on Illium for a while?
- Indiscriminate Carthasis: Hobo squad strikes at the drone and weapons manufacturer Hahne-Kedar on Illium. Greater forces than they know are in the background. Leading into...
- Collect Call: The immediate aftermath of the mission.
- (BREAKING) Dalatrass Linron Passes Away: The leader of the Salarian Union dies.
- Exposé: A follow-up mission with Mekan and company.
Extranet History: What is Spiza up to online?
We Need To Talk: Spiza contacts hobo-squad -- his superiors are growing concerned that Mekan represents an unacceptable risk. Can the batarian's companions offer some reassurance, or do something about Mekan's behaviour?
Late Rites: Jeral visits Aphin's Place for the first time in a while, and catches up with Spiza.
I Am A Snake: Spiza declines the friendship of Tayunji after she thanks him for his sensitivity... because, he tells her, he is not the sort of person who can be trusted as a friend.
Decryption: With Tay again. Has Spiza made a friend? Can he make a friend?
Wake Up And Smell The Ashes: Mekan is back -- so it's time for a confrontation with "Kawk".
Humans, You Have A Lot To Answer For: First on the (naughty) list -- Christmas movies.
Nip It In The Bud They Say: The team goes "gardening".
Eulogy: Spiza reflects on the unfortunate fact that he seems to outlive everyone; an irony for a salarian.